Mourn, Learn & Get back up.
At some point lately, I felt I damaged my soul.
For an instant, I lacked attention and left it unguarded.
I can’t and won’t try to blame anyone for this, as I did it to myself.
Indeed, we are responsible for our own emotions !
After a few months of battling with myself, I finally caught sight of the light, leading me out of the dark and caved-in state of mind I had nurtured and dwelt in.
It has been the most emotionally charged season up to now as several unhealthy emotions invaded my space at the one same time.
I shall try to not only sum it up but draw a life lesson out of it !
THE STORY
Four months ago, I found myself into a valley, in a deep emotional abyss.
This breakdown makes me think of Alice's fall, constantly going further down into a dark unending hole and never knowing when I would reach the bottom of it. Except that, this particular hole's destination is far from leading to Wonderland...
I drowned slowly into what I thought was mere melancholy when actually something deeper had got a hold on my mind, leaving the door open large enough for the full poison to operate.
It started with a few thoughts, from there wrong expectations were given birth leading to a wrong pattern of reasoning and producing confusion.
THE PLAN VERSUS THE REALITY
Either you are going to laugh at me (it's ok, I also do it very often, let's laugh together !!!) either you are going to recognize yourself in the following lines.
I’ve always been a cheesy person, loving romance to the core and always asking for more !
February started, with its stupid Valentine's Day... I guess I got a bit carried away...ahah I had imagined that a mysterious unknown lover would wait for me when I get out from work and hand me a huge bunch of flowers... ridiculous I admit ahah !
Then March showed up and here...ouch! I was about to turn 26... -cry, cry, cry- not because of the number of years but because of the plan I had built for years in my mind.
Growing up, I somehow always desired to be in relationship and eventually get married.
Let's just assume that it is written in our genes ! I believe, though I have no proof, -this is only intuition- that this feeling can be real as much for the men than for the women and is in no means reserved to the female genre.
So with this desire in mind and as a sentimental teenager, I had made plans. Now I am able to laugh at myself, again, but it basically looked like this : 22, I meet the guy - 25, We get married. (Laughing Out Loud Time !)
I guess I started to get sad when I realized that nothing I had planned was unfolding.
In the situation I am about to share, this soppy character trait is completely misleading, because you tend to take your dreams for the reality…
Let me precise that there’s nothing wrong with having dreams, whatever the subject of it. I encourage dreaming…but !!! But, we always need to remember that with every dream comes a working part and a process before it can become a reality ! Plus, let's be conscious that it does not always become reality or happen the way we imagined it.
The problem with the kind of thinking pattern I found myself in, is simply that yes, it seems to be all happening... but it is happening in the head and so we tend to start developing a mindset made from the misleading thoughts that we let in, associating it with wrong expectations and finally it produces unhealthy reasonings.
MUSHY
So, it happened.
I had feelings for someone who I hoped would feel the same only to realize it was a one-way street.
I had unconsciously interpreted things he would say or do, even what he wouldn't say or not do, as signs of interest from him; which I reacted to.
Yes, I’m a weak human !
My first reaction was to condemn the way I felt.
I despised myself for feeling these emotions but it only made things worse.
I felt guilty for feeling and falling for him. I was thinking that it is almost as if I had betrayed him for desiring more than our nascent friendship. I hated myself and thought I wasn't worthy of him.
We have a soul people! We can't deny it ! Plus, I discovered I am way more sensitive that I thought, so this is one more reason not to hide or be ashamed for being emotional.
God made me sensitive and I admit, I used to find this guy attractive (!Personal taste!).
Among several details I had observed, I loved the little I knew about him and was willing to learn more. I liked what I had discovered in his character, the way he serves at church, the few I knew about the way he thinks, I liked the way he dresses and takes care of himself, I liked that he has great musical taste, that he is someone creative and sensitive... the list could go on... you bet, in two years or so, you have time to note a thing or two ahah...
So, yes, I felt something, probably them ridiculous belly butterflies ah !
Just know, it is normal that we humanly react!
Now, "Le nerf de la guerre" (The force of the war) is what I choose to do with these thoughts, feelings and emotions ? How much space and time do I entitled them to have ? Furthermore, it is how I let these thoughts influence me and the way I think, about others and about myself that really matters the most.
Because I got interested in this man, I let my soul take the lead over my being and I no longer reacted from a neutral state nor in a mindful and reasonable way. I guess this is the right moment to place the saying Blaise Pascal wrote some time ago : “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of...”
DIRT
And so, what happens when you're in that kind of state ?
If you're as mushy as me, you know that painful place very well but I will give a bit of an insight.
When blinded by emotions, when someone haunts your mind, everything you hear them say or see them do, is twisted through an emotional lense...
Because I humanly reacted and started thinking about him,
- I started building up wrong expectations resulting from my own daydreams
- As I got blinded and confused, I turned out to be completely unable to discern the nascent addiction I was building towards him.
- I was ready to sacrifice my personality, hopes, dreams, will, time, etc… just to please him.
- Suddenly fearful and doubtful, I considered that he may not feel the same, that I might have aimed too high and that I don't even deserved a guy like him.
- I questioned, why would he ever be interested in me, so a devaluing process started in my mind and I opened the door to all the associated thinking such as I am ugly, not worthy, not enough, too fat, too frizzy etc ...
- I discovered ugly parts of my being as I started comparing myself to other girls I would see him interacting with.
- I discovered dirty part of me : felling jealous, controlling and possessive.
I got lost in the maze of my thoughts and in the negative thinking patterns developed in the process.
And as I considered this potential rejection, I directly associated it with my value.
Depression didn't take long to come around knocking at my mind's door.
The worse is I opened, greeted her, welcomed her in and I even offered her a brew along with slippers and a comfy space to take root!
See how a single thought, can lead to the wrong thinking process...
Besides, for every thoughts, a lie was associated with it. Leading me into a gulf of false reasoning, preventing me from seeing clearly and sowing doubt in everything that aggregates me.
OLD IMPORTUNATE COMPANION
Oh hello, depression, you again !? I've not missed you... At all ! Sadness why do you ensnare my soul ...? Pain, why are you constantly coming back, this heart is not your home! Negative thinking, I do not agree with you, but you overwhelm me with such violence, I sense I have no power over you... Anger, I wish you would not drive me this crazy... Sorrow why do I feel a certain attachment with you ? Tears where is your source, you keep running down my cheeks with what feels like no ending...
And I am here holding this poisonous bottle with a "drink me" tag tied on it. Ignoring the warning, I unscrew the cap and start drinking,
drinking,
drinking it ...
but never feeling quenched.
The thing with depression is that it comes dressed up as an old friend, you don't identify it as fast you'd wish neither as fast as the last time you were in that same state.
This is also why I chose to illustrated this article with the image of a poisonous drink.
I think it depicts well the process of getting intoxicated. This poisoning process can often happen in our mind, through our own thoughts. To start with, you progressively feel a lot of different unhealthy emotions and most of the time, it leads you to depression. We can all experience it with various intensity but a depression, yes, it is still...
POISON
So, I drank my own home-made poison.
A mixture of unhealthy thoughts, flavored with self-accusation and guilt with a pinch of self-contempt.
The blend of my dreams, emotions & thoughts turned out to be a deadly hurting poison.
A special and poisonous cocktail I have carefully prepared. It has perfectly fermented, it is strong, ready to draw life out of anyone tasting it.
Just like anytime you get intoxicated, you need to make any effort possible to get the poison out, extract it from your veins and in this present case, your mind !
The media that came to me as I intended to "extract" this poison was through writing and unexpectedly it came out as a poem. I felt so heartsick at the time that I purely needed to spit it out ! This turned out to be a great decision ! (Yes, we need to celebrate when that happens ! Because if you're like me, you often feel like you always seem to be making the wrong choices ...)
Read my own « Poison » recipe.
POOR LONESOME ONE
In the time, I also found myself longing for intimacy and basically feeling alone.
I remember being deeply sadden at the thought that I may have never succeeded in building strong relationship.
At first, I didn’t realize it was a lie because I was already weaken and tormented by the emotions I previously described. My point of view and memories were twisted.
This new lie was added on top of the other ones and made the truth even more distant and difficult to discern.
What the enemy of my soul didn’t realize is that he provided the material God needed to start leading me back to Him as he actually intended to isolate me.
Just a few days after this thought came in, two old friends came to visit Paris and actually wanted to see me ! It proved this lie to be only what it was : simply a lie !
We spent such a lovely time, prayed together and for each other. We shared authentically what we were living at the time, not afraid of being vulnerable with each other. And when time came to say goodbye, we left each other with the promise of always being there for each other.
This lie got broken as I realized that not only I had been able to build strong relationship in the past but that I am still capable today.
LEARN TO BUILD FROM RUINS
Back in February, when all of this started, I was undertaking a course about « Building healthy relationships ».
It basically covers all kind of relationships.
We were able to grasp how our being, made of three distinct parts, has needs in each of its parts and how to respond to it in an healthy and godly way, not letting our humanity lead the whole being.
This course explores the soul’s need -often being neglected-, it lights up dysfunctional relationships and patterns we might have set as reactions to the lacks and hurst we could have experienced in the past. We were also taught how we tend to manipulate others, hiding behind masks and costumes, pretense and wrong behaviours.
Several aspects of building relationships were addressed, all of it under the light of God’s word.
I wasn’t expecting nor was I ready to experienced it the way I did.
As the program unfolded and session went by one after the other, old dead and dirty stuff were being unearthed and brought to the surface as God wanted to heal me.
He did.
In fact He is healing me still.
The thing now, is that not only do I gladly let Him work but I also understand more of how we function as humans.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
It the grave I was gradually sinking, I saw myself driven far from God, unable to reach Him.
Back then, I knew something had to be done to get me back on track. Only, I was completely weak and unable to move. Barely able to whisper : « I can’t handle this. Help me! »
How many of us know that for our loving Father, this is way enough !
In the mist of this aching experience, God never left me. He walked the journey with me.
He used it to invite me again closer to His heart and helped me reset.
He revealed Himself to me in a fresh new way : as the healer, the one who cares, the one who sees, the one who hears my heart and desires, the one who provides.
He simply invited me to run back to Him. So I did.
WOEWTAA ?
-WHAT ON EARTH WAS THIS ALL ABOUT ?-
Identity.
Like really ! It was all about identity.
I can’t believe my eyes, how did I not see it coming? Why did I not understand it earlier ?
As soon as I misplace my identity and look at the wrong places for value, validation or simply love, as soon as I get my eyes off of Him, I do get lost.
It is a constant battle.
At least now I know.
God found me in my mess, once again ! (How does He never gets tired of it ??!!)
He loves me.
I know who He says I am.
I can boldly smile again and honestly share that I am finally over this all.
Thankful for the lesson learnt.
Read more about what I discovered on identity here.
RESSOURCES
What you nurture grows, what you feed yourself with produces fruits.
While I experienced this season, I tried as much as I could to stay connected with God.
These are a few ressources I listened to and read that helped a lot overcoming my state, run to His open arms again and let Him do what only He can do !
Enjoy !
BOOKS
(UN)QUALIFIED
Steven Furtick
CAPTIVATING
John & Stasi Eldredge
THE SHACK
Wm. Paul Young
MUSIC
THE GARDEN
Kari Jobe
THE UNDOING
Steffany Gretzinger
ON MY SIDE
Kim Walker-Smith
Listen to my "HEALING" playlist :
Unstoppable Love (Kim Walker-Smith)
Shepherd of my soul (Rivers & Robots)
All He says I Am (Kari Jobe ft Cody Carnes)
You define me (Kim Walker-Smith)
Rise (Kim Walker-Smith)
Safe & Sound (Bailey)
Gravity of love (The Brilliance)